My Reflection Eternal

I sit and look at the mirror and smile.
No, i am not referring to the contemporary mirror, I am talking about the mirror that seeps through my skin and reaches my core. The one that reflects only what’s inside. I sit here and smile because of the woman I have become.

In my imperfect ways, I have mastered inner peace. I have learned how to maintain inner joy even amidst the turmoil that happens around me. I remember this time 5 years ago what an emotional wreck I had become. Sitting in my dark room contemplating ending my life and questioning my existence. Crying daily wondering why God would put me on earth if all I encounter was misery.

As I sit and write this, I exhale. Not because I have something troubling me- but because even though there are troubling things around me, I am not troubled. As a I sit here, tears are flowing down my eyes- not because I am sad, but because I of the happiness that is evoked, through all the shit i went through in my life, to be able to sit here and share my feelings and hug ‘Hope’ the way I do right now.

I feel free. Free from other people constantly hurting me (not that they have stopped, but at this point I just choose what affects me and what doesn’t). Free from disappointments. Free from broken promises. Free from being used and abused. Free from being held hostage, emotionally. Free from making other people happy at my expense. Free from betrayal. Free from not feeling loved. And most importantly- free to be me and what my creator intended me to be.

I have adopted the habit of focussing on positive things, when my little world crumbles. That way I don’t leave room for hate, anger or resentment. If you ask me those emotions are one of life’s little unnecessary things we can do without. Imagine if all of us were emotionally intelligent on earth, there would be no need for vengeance? There would be no need for the notion to hate our ex’s. There would b no need to hate our mothers-in-law, there would be no need to hate the other girl because she is prettier or sexier than you and the most crucial, there would be no need to for your mood to alter due to how someone else makes you feel.

But I must say emotional intelligence has to be packaged in a great deal of understanding. I wish people knew the essence of what UNDERSTADING is. Understanding is not about doing a favour for the recipient, its about setting yourself free from the abnormalities of someone else. Lets get the Wikipedia definition of understanding so that we can correlate the two

Understanding (also called intellection) is a psychological process related to an abstract or physical object, such as a person, situation, or message whereby one is able to think about it and use concepts to deal adequately with that object. Understanding is a relation between the knower and an object of understanding. Understanding implies abilities and dispositions with respect to an object of knowledge sufficient to support intelligent behavior

For instance: Understanding your ‘Mother In Law’ means, you have the intellection and knowledge, that this woman for years has been the most important thing in her son’s life. And here you are after her years of work making him who he is, you just scoop him up and she is kicked to second best. LOL its funny, but I swear that’s how people think according to what their ‘understanding’ tells them. The second part to my argument is, since now you know better; it only makes sense for you to do better.
So being an intellect that you are- don’t help her in her ‘madness’ rather let her be (but at the same time, you mustn’t be a walk over- let her know she must ‘BE’ elsewhere).

The same principle works on any other situation. Once I mastered this concept of understanding, i saved myself from a lot of heart aches and disappointments, from boyfriends, friends, especially family.

So I look through this invisible mirror of mine and I smile and i give praise to God for imparting this ‘understanding’ upon my life. Lord knows I prayed for years and years before I could get this revelation. Only then I realised that God wasn’t going to use a miracle to save me, he wanted to show me I could weather any storm with the attitude I have towards life. He is King after all and i am his daughter! 
My simple prayer is for everyone to get understanding through emotional intelligence.
Imagine if God treated us the way we treat people who “trespass against us”?? Think twice and just be understanding to others. They very well don’t know what you know.

Balanced Existence

What do you want to be when you grow up? For some it may be a disturbing notion to consider that even in our late twenties, thirties and beyond we may still find ourselves asking this question of ourselves. Before I was ten years old I knew with naïve assurance what it was I wanted to do with my life. By the time I was twenty I was well established in the career I had decided on ten years before. Shortly after, life came along and swept the board clean.

If you can decide on a long-term career goal having it ahead of you can be a source of comfort and certainty that you can draw on. Knowing what you want to be when you grow up can serve as an anchor point in life. You know where you are and you know where you’re going. You know what needs to be done and have a plan for how to go about doing it.

On the other hand, indecision and uncertainty when it comes to deciding which career path to choose, which job to take or what training to pursue can become burdensome. Some may feel without a well-defined path to tread throughout their working life that they are at sea without an anchor. Simply drifting along to nowhere in particular. Achieving nothing in particular.

And that’s just what to do during work hours.

Life is incredibly complex. It is filled with infinite possibilities limited only by our creative ability and courage. Do you perhaps want a family and to buy a house? Or do you want to travel, see the world and meet all manner of different people? Both? Would you like to start a business? Or perhaps you would like to disappear into the rural hills on your own quiet little self-sufficient farm? Learn a martial art? Learn to paint and draw? Meditate every day? Write a novel?

In fact you might have an inkling that you would somehow like to do all of the above. With so many possibilities you’re going to need to…

Prioritize

The wealth of possibility available to us can at times be as paralyzing as having no clue whatsoever. The first step is surely to bring some order to the multitude of pursuits, interests and potential life paths you can envisage yourself enjoying. If you’re currently free and unattached then you’ll have a broader scope of possibility available. If you’re at a time in your life where you have responsibilities and obligations the possibilities open to you must be considered in light of those.

That certainly does not mean you should cast aside any of your dreams. Part of being creative is being able to find a creative solution that encompasses both achieving what you wish with your life while still fulfilling your responsibilities.

I see this process much like brainstorming. First you while free of any judgment brainstorm all the potential solutions and write them all down. Only then do you begin to prioritize. How though to prioritize? Well, first you need some…

Perspective

Perspective rules the world. Your perspective is your world. The person who has never left the small town they were born in has limited perspective. A person who lives their life with little consideration of the nature of finite physical existence lives a life lacking perspective.

Many people who have a near brush with death return from the experience with a fresh set of priorities. They live their life differently afterwards. For one thing material possessions reduce in meaning while love, compassion, companionship and enjoying the simple priceless thing of daily life to the full becomes much more important.

Before you prioritize make sure you take the time to ensure your perspective is as broad and clear as possible. Reflect on your life so far and listen to how that makes you feel. Imagine the things that will matter when you’re old and you’re looking back on your life.

Now it’s time for you to…

Experiment

Life is not an intellectual debate, as much as some people would like it to be otherwise. Life is something you do. It is something that happens. We are be-ings. Get out and be in your life. Run small-scale experiments to give you come idea what a course of action would feel like if you did it full-time and for real.

For example, if you’re considering that maybe teaching something you love such as martial arts may be the life for you try it on first. Start assisting your sifu, sensei or coach and then see how you feel about it. You might discover that teaching is far removed from what you really love about martial arts, which may be training yourself. Or you might find that you have an aptitude and a love for teaching others and that teaching only deepens your art.

You won’t know until you get out there and try. Until you do the life you’re leading is a life of pointless speculation. Choose a potential course of action, test the waters and pursue or discard depending on the outcome. Whatever happens be sure to keep in mind…

The Nature of Life

Despite the best-laid plans and intentions it is the nature of things that they change. Life is not a static thing that conforms to our will. It is more like music that we must sway to else be broken. Remember, life is one gigantic possibility. When hardship, impassible barriers and unforeseen circumstances come your way old doors are closing. If that’s the way it is then let them close. It’s your job to find the new doors that just opened.

(These are just my ramblings, conjured up through my life experiences- so you decide what will work for you)

I DON'T KNOW- but I hurt

My HEART just collapsed within itself
And all the pieces for the first time,
Aren't scattered all over the place
-but lying in there.

I have mastered the art of gathering them together,
-but this?
What shall I do?

If I never have to speak again,
I will be fine with that.
I feel like there is no point for utterance anymore.
Bitter-sweet misery.
A taste of what I can't have.
A confidant that has been turned deaf.

I don't know what's going on-
All I know is I am hurting.

I see now...

Wisdom, Lord please give me Wisdom.
I am indecisive so much because I swim in foolery. I submerge myself in running waters which are neither still, nor clean.

Sight, Lord please grant me sight.
I have been blind so long that I pretend to see things because I have depended on my other senses and those have de-sensetized my dependence on you.

Faith, Lord give me faith.
Who am I without it? What's my name without it? Where am I going without it? Where do I come from without it? What do I offer to 'him' without it? How do I love without it?

Comfort, Lord please give me comfort.
I now live with doubt. I converse with fear. I now sit and dine with hate. I even found myself sharing a joke with folly? *A shed a tear as I speak* and that tear of joy I shed with folly a moment ago has turned into agony. Cause like you said Lord, she left me on the side of the road when tough times came.

Change, Lord please grant me change.
But I refuse to move anymore if you are not the wind of change. In my own ability I had placed my confidence. Now that I learn that mine can only go so far, do I realise I only jumped a notch lower.

Peace, Lord I beg for peace.
Its not fun being torn in two anymore. I thought my jungle-gym was filled with a lot of cronies. Only to see shadows of my self jumping from place to place. I really thought I was hearing good company laughing with me, but it was the enemy in me laughing at me.


I always would tell my friends, "You can never put a price tag on your Peace of mind" Lord, now I am ready to hear what you have to say.

NOT A SLAVE

Not a Slave

Diabolical times of mass murder- Time full of it
Speak ease, even conversation is nuclear
They FEAR when its group of us
So we roll in packs- Space age Patriot Act.

They have your phone tapped love- what you gon do?
Don’t make fighting this beast make a beast out of you

Sometimes I feel like a MONSTER cleaning my 12 gauge
Contemplating if I can murder or not, escape routes and gateways
But the rude awakening is that they are locking us in cages
Telling us to abort our babies while they collect SPERM DONATIONS
Attempted depletion of a righteous nation,
But something- is what none of them are saying

My eyelids aching from open so wide
Space Age genocide,
They can try, but they can’t hide
The fact that there’s hope
My History didn’t start in no boat- chain and bound
And the beauty is found
That we FALL, TRIP, but never hit the GROUND!

The Bird that sleeps

My heart is heavy and that's because you nestled in it.